1. Thous Shall Never Utter "Kaya Ko Rin Yan" While Watching Your Favorite Sport
There are reasons why you’re watching them play and not the other way around: they’re more skilled while already blessed with the talent and the physical build made for their sport. Think about this next time you say you can do what Anderson Silva did to his seemingly inept foe: that beaten-up guy will surely break your leg once you attempt that “feet uppercut” on him.
2. Thou Shall Never Angrily Call Your Most Hated Player (Or Referees) “Tanga, Panget, Bobo, Baho, Ilong (If He Has A Big Nose), Panot (If He’s Losing Hair)”
Particularly true if you’re watching ringside/ courtside/front row seats. Athletes, no matter how robotic they appear to be (check out Billy Mamaril), are still human beings. They are sensitive, emotional, insecure, vain, proud, and uncomfortable about their natural imperfections—unless they’re Benjie Paras, who has found gold with baldness. Google “Wynne Arboleda beats up a fan” for proof. Also, they’ve heard those taunts before, so try the next rule.
3. Thou Shall Use More Ingenious Nicknames For Your Teammates, More So For Your Opponents
Instead of “Ilong,” use “Mike.” When your opponent asks why, reply with a nasal tone, “Kasi di ka namin tatantanan.” If the guy’s name is Mike, taunt him with “Allaaaaaaaaan K.” You know you can do better.
4. Thou Shall Never Shout Invectives From The Bleachers
Yes, you’re allowed to let your frustrations out. But if you’re a hundred feet above/away from the court, will your voice count? Will your team’s performance be spurred on? Leave this stuff to the others. Curse, slap the chair, then act like a professional sports fan should—sit your ass down and relax.
5. Thou Shall Continue To “Emulate” Your Favorite Sports Stars
Shrug your shoulders before taking a free throw ala Kevin Durant. Shout “LeBron” as you go high up in the air for a…lay-up. Proclaim you’re “Manny” as you bob and weave, throw jub-strit (jab-straight) combos, and pound your fist together against your bar room brawl opponent. (Note: We don’t encourage fighting. We’re just saying you could do this if you ever find yourself in the position that calls for it. Otherwise, peace y’all.)
6. Thou Shall Not Tag Your Favorite Team’s/Athlete’s Every Loss As “Luto” Or “Na-Mafia”
They/he lost. That’s all that matters—and that’s also why you follow sports in the first place. You’re looking to experience the joy brought about by victory, but is also prepared for the agony that comes with defeat. So be free to feel sad, depressed, and drink all your sorrows away every time you’re on the losing side. But please never try to find other reasons for losses other than the other team/athlete’s superiority over your bet. Especially if you do not have evidence proving your theory. Right, Don Allado?
7. Thou Shall Never Break Into (Improper) Dances When Celebrating
Acceptable methods of celebration: High fives, fist bumps, following your school’s chant’s routines, the Gangnam Style, the Dougie (if you can pull it off), flailing your hands wildly in celebration. Unacceptable methods of celebration: splits, twirls, the Dougie (if you can’t pull it off), the Cat Daddy (leave this to Kate Upton and the ladies), The UMD-inspired Butterfly, cartwheels, The Cha- Cha, slow dances.
8. Thou Shall Make Huge Face Posters
Those big heads are catching on here and it’s awesome. Up your sports fan rating by making huge face posters of your own cute mug in an angry, sour, and frightening mood, or other funny contortions—but keep in mind that this is “cool” at professional sports, stupid at the your company sportsfest.
9. Thou Shall Never Again Be Surprised At How Athletes Get The Hottest Wives Or Girlfriends
There are some things in life that can be explained over and over yet will still leave you dumbfounded. Like taxation, cricket, or how a JC Intal/Dodot Jaworski/Andy Roddick/ Marko Jaric/insert future relatively popular but not that successful athlete here ends up with a Bianca Gonzales/Mikee Cojuangco/ Brooklyn Decker/Adriana Lima/insert celebrity here. Just let it be.
10. Thou Shall Never Root For Both Teams
Sure, you can watch sports for the “love of the game,” but you should, at the very least, pick a side, hate one of the teams, angrily proclaim that you will kill one of the players on that team, and unfriend Facebook friends who root for the other team. Rooting for both teams does to a sports fan what castration does to a man.