Fool Me Once (or How To Burn a Gazillion Calories In One Workout) 

Blogger Bobby Go pokes fun at most idiotic and outlandish marketing hustles
Feb 14, 2014
In not so recent months, I have been exposed to some of the most idiotic and outlandish marketing hustles; I am stupefied at the gall of the people who put this stuff out there.

THE renaissance of active sports in the country has given birth to a plethora of health solutions and products that promise everything from rapid weight loss and firmer tummies to better race performance and faster recovery time. And just like any other field, sports and fitness are not spared from the ludicrous and inane sales pitches laid bare in traditional media or bannered and popped up in the wondrous world of the internet.

You can’t really blame people for actually falling for such shenanigans, and I give credit to the people behind the marketing efforts that push these products and services. They certainly take to heart the famous circus promoter, P.T. Barnum’s pronouncement that ‘There’s a sucker born every minute.’ The glossy packaging and compelling delivery by celebrity endorsers also add to the prestige of the products’ perceived worth, clouding unsuspecting consumers’ judgment enough to part with their currency if only once. And often, for companies that sell by the thousands, once is more than enough.

I confess that I’ve been taken a few times by these smooth peddlers, forking over hard-earned cash for what I recognized as tools to make me get faster, stronger, and better. And though I know I’m a little wiser now than I was 10 years ago, I have a sinking feeling that I’m still going to fall for some well-presented, perfectly-worded sales spiel that assures me of a slot in Kona or Boston. And all I have to do is sign up for the program and/or buy the product.

In not so recent months, I have been exposed to some of the most idiotic and outlandish marketing hustles; I am stupefied at the gall of the people who put this stuff out there. Then again, they probably see opportunity and believe that most or, at the very least, some of the populace don’t know any better to question the veracity of such campaigns. Then again, I’m not part of that particular demographic (just for this writing, at least). And I just can’t help but cite a couple of examples to further my argument.

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The Ultimate Fat Burner

I like to tease my kids by bragging about how many calories my fitness monitor reports I burned after a four- or five-hour Sunday run. My body is a furnace, I declare with chest-pounding boastfulness. Eye rolls and groans all around. But my swagger is but a teensy particle in the vast universe of a workout that promises to burn 600 calories in four minutes. Yup, you read that right, and I’ll spell it out for you: SIX HUNDRED CALORIES IN FOUR FRIGGIN’ MINUTES.

Okay, let’s do the math: If I do this same workout for 30 minutes, I could stand to lose as many as 4,500 calories?! Holy Tamale, that’s two days worth of calories burned by the average adult male! Where in fitness heaven did this guy come up with such a formula? He might as well have found the cure to cancer while at it. To be fair (God, I looove that expression. It’s right up there with ‘To be honest’ and ‘Actually’), maybe this workout has some qualifications that would otherwise make it credible. But as a consumer, all you’re going to hear and remember is that first pitch that reads: Lose 600 calories in just four minutes. That’s what marketing is all about, folks — hook ‘em with that first line, and you can start counting suckers, er, sales.

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I’ve searched high and low, online and offline, to find proof that this workout actually burns the amount of calories claimed, and to this day have not found any medical evidence to support it. I should demand to get back the time I wasted researching this piece of science fitness fiction. When it comes to newfangled approaches to getting fit or losing weight, self-anointed fitness gurus have to be careful about the guarantees they make to the public, because once they can’t back up their benefit affirmations, the only thing that’s really lost here is respect.

Wonder Workout

Another zinger that made its way to the consciousness of consumers sometime last year was a radio ad for a digital cable television service featuring a beefcake actor/athlete known for showing off his six-pack more than his acting prowess. Let’s call him an abstor then, in homage to his abdominal muscles’ thespianism. There was nothing innately wrong with the service being hawked; it was the monologue about the abstor’s workout routine that raised a few eyebrows.

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Here’s how part of the monologue went (to my best recollection): A 5k warm up on the treadmill, followed by weights (workout) at the gym, and a 15k cool down run. I can watch (cable television service) through my entire workout.

I’m impressed. Really. Impressed at how some copywriters can come up with such garbage, impressed at how the abstor can just read a script that doesn’t make good fitness sense, and impressed at how some radio listeners may be inclined to believe such hogwash. If you haven’t caught it yet, I’ll give you a hint: Who the hell does a 15k cool down run AFTER a 5k warm up and a gym workout?! Apparently, the abstor. Quick, before he can flex them abs again, sign him to be the ‘Burn 600 calories in 4 minutes’ endorser!

So what’s my point? It’s simple: be smart, and aside from reading the fine print, make sure to understand what you’re reading. The claims and benefits these products and services proclaim have to make practical sense. And don’t hesitate to ask more questions until you’re fully satisfied. You wouldn’t buy a car without checking under the hood or taking it for a test drive, would you? Shouldn’t you do the same with your workout program, or with a product that’s going to affect your physical health?

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“A learned fool is more a fool than an ignorant fool.”

Moliere

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In not so recent months, I have been exposed to some of the most idiotic and outlandish marketing hustles; I am stupefied at the gall of the people who put this stuff out there.
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